The Dark Side of Being 'Nice'

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Being "nice" is hurting your leadership -

Nice leaders want to be liked.

Kind leaders build trust.

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Nice keeps things comfortable, but nothing changes.

Kindness drives real growth.

It challenges, it confronts -

But it always comes from a place of care.

Choose the harder path.

Be kind.

Today we are going to help leaders master this by using:

‘Kind vs Nice'. 

Let’s dive in!

Additional Examples for Leaders

1. Boundaries vs. Over-Accommodating

   • Kind: Set clear boundaries to protect your well-being and communicate them respectfully, showing others that you value your time and energy.

   • Nice: Say "yes" to every request to avoid disappointing others, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and burning out.

2. Encouragement vs. Pacification

   • Kind: Offer genuine encouragement that acknowledges someone's strengths and guides them toward growth, even if it involves pointing out areas for improvement.

   • Nice: Pacify someone with empty reassurances to keep them comfortable, avoiding the truth that could help them improve.

3. Constructive Feedback vs. Undermining

   • Kind: Provide honest feedback that helps others learn and grow, even if it means addressing difficult issues directly.

   • Nice: Avoid giving feedback to prevent awkwardness, which leaves the person unaware of their blind spots and misses the chance for growth.

4. Authentic Presence vs. Obligatory Attention

   • Kind: Be fully present and attentive during conversations, showing you care about the person, even if it means setting aside distractions.

   • Nice: Nod and agree during conversations without truly listening, just to appear supportive and avoid any deep engagement.

5. Empowering Others vs. Taking Over

   • Kind: Empower others by offering support and guidance, allowing them to find their own solutions and learn from the experience.

   • Nice: Step in and take over tasks to avoid seeing others struggle, which undermines their confidence and growth.

6. Honoring Commitments vs. Overpromising

   • Kind: Honor your commitments by carefully considering what you can realistically do, and communicate clearly if something isn't possible.

   • Nice: Overpromise to avoid disappointing others, even when you know you might not be able to deliver, leading to broken trust later on..

Honesty vs. Sugarcoating

A team I was consulting with was struggling with poor performance and declining morale.

Team members weren't meeting their targets, but no one was speaking up about the issues.

The manager was sugarcoating feedback to avoid hurting feelings, saying things like "You're doing fine" even when improvements were needed.

The lack of honest feedback created a culture of confusion and complacency. Team members felt unmotivated because they weren't getting clear guidance.

Some even started to feel resentful, thinking the manager didn't care about their growth.

I worked with the manager to shift from sugarcoating to honest but compassionate feedback.

We had a meeting where I showed them how to be direct without being harsh.

For example, instead of saying, "You're doing fine," they learned to say, "I've noticed you're missing some key targets. Let's discuss what's holding you back and how we can work together to improve."

I also trained the team on receiving feedback as a tool for growth, not as a personal attack. In our sessions, we focused on the "why" behind the feedback: to help them improve and succeed.

This approach led to open conversations where issues were addressed directly, and action plans were put in place.

Actionable Tips:

Be Specific: When giving feedback, point out exact behaviors or outcomes that need change. Instead of saying, "You need to do better," say, "I noticed you missed the deadline on the last project. Let's talk about what happened."

Pair Honesty with Support: Offer solutions alongside your feedback. For instance, "I see this is a challenge for you. How about we set up weekly check-ins to track progress?"

Create a Safe Space: Encourage questions and open dialogue. Let the team know that feedback is about growth, not criticism. This helps build trust and transparency.

Result:

By shifting to honest communication, the team became more aware of their performance and what they needed to work on.

They felt supported because the feedback was clear and actionable.

Within a few months, performance metrics greatly improved, and the team reported feeling more motivated and aligned with their goals.

The manager saw how honesty, when done with care, strengthens trust and drives positive change.

Here's how you can make it real over the next 4 days:

Day 1: Reflect

• Choose one lesson you want to work on this week.

• Spend 10 minutes today reflecting on a recent situation where you felt you were either "nice" or "kind" in the context of the lesson you chose.

• Write down what happened, how you reacted, and how it made you feel afterward.

• Then, think about how you might handle a similar situation in the future, keeping the "kind" approach in mind.

• ChatGPT Prompt to Help: "Help me reflect on a recent situation where I was either 'nice' or 'kind' in relation to [chosen lesson]. Guide me through what happened, how I reacted, and how I felt afterward. Then, give me a simple idea of how I could handle a similar situation in a 'kind' way next time.”

Day 2: Observe

• Pay close attention today to how you and others around you act in line with your chosen lesson.

  • For example, if you chose "Honesty vs. Sugarcoating," listen to how people give feedback or handle tough conversations.

• Take mental notes or jot down examples of both "kind" and "nice" behaviors you see.

• Observing others will help you recognize these moments in yourself.

• ChatGPT Prompt to Help: "Help me observe others' behavior today related to [chosen lesson]. Give me tips on what to look for in both 'nice' and 'kind' actions in everyday situations. How can I notice these moments in myself and others?"

Day 3: Practice

• Today, put your chosen lesson into practice in a small but meaningful way.

  • If you picked "Boundaries vs. Over-Accommodating," set a clear boundary with someone.

• Choose a situation that feels manageable.

• Afterward, take a moment to reflect on how it went and what you learned.

• ChatGPT Prompt to Help: "Help me practice the [chosen lesson] in a small way today. I picked [chosen lesson]. Give me a simple action I can take that shows 'kindness' instead of just being 'nice.' How can I do this in a way that feels manageable and positive for me and others involved?"

Day 4: Review and Adjust

• Review your actions from Day 3.

• Think about how it made you and others feel.

  • Was there a positive change?

  • What went well, and what could be better next time?

• Write down one thing you will continue to do and one thing you would adjust.

• This step helps you refine your approach so it becomes a natural part of how you interact.

• ChatGPT Prompt to Help: "Help me review my actions from yesterday when I practiced [chosen lesson]. Guide me in thinking about what went well and what I can adjust for next time. What is one thing I should keep doing and one thing I should change to be more 'kind' in the future?"

Being nice can keep the peace, but it often leaves important things unsaid.

Kindness, on the other hand, chooses truth and understanding.

It isn't always easy, but it leads to growth and stronger bonds.

It's about showing up for others in a way that matters.

Niceness often means putting a mask on the truth.

Kindness means standing firm in your values, even when it's not the easy choice.

When we are kind, we choose the path that leads to real change.

Until next week and with lots of love,

Justin

This Week’s Growth Recommendations

Book To Read:  

"Radical Candor” by Kim Scott (see it here)

TED Talk to Watch

"How to Lead with Radical Candor” by Kim Scott (see it here)

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